Note: I currently find myself struggling with a difficult family relationship. My young children depend on me and I have to do what’s best for us, no matter how hard it seems. Do you struggle with family relationships?
What is Family?
Unfortunately many people have been faced with the excruciating decision of whether or not to continue a strained family relationship- it could be a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, a son or a daughter. These relationships, when stressed or tense, are the worst to endure because our family means a lot to us. If you have to cut the ties, it’s usually because you feel you have no other choice.
The interesting aspect about families is people can tolerate more bad than good, and it can still be considered a satisfying relationship for both members. In this instance, families can be the ones who drive you nuts, and also be there by your side in tough spots. That’s a fair trade- take the good with the bad. Family members are the ones who’ve seen us at our best and worst, and the love is consistently and unconditionally there. The key ingredients are unconditional love and an ability to agree to disagree at times, which is otherwise known as respect without having to change or control each other. These are ideal conditions though, and for some it’s never been this way among certain family members.
Evaluating the Relationship
Chances are you’ve been evaluating the relationship for a while, but actually cutting the ties brings on feelings of guilt, failure, emptiness, doubt, abandonment, and even grief. No matter how strained, intolerable, and/or abusive the relationship is, it’s still a difficult decision to make. Careful decisions need to be made quickly because the relationship is likely causing irreparable harm. Keeping the tips below in mind will also help.
- What’s the history? If you are fed up with this individual, this has been grating on your nerves and psyche for a long time. There’s an old saying the psychology business, “The best prediction of future behavior, is past behavior”. Having an extensive history is what hurts the most when breaking up with a family member, but having history makes it easier to make an informed decision. It will be hard to let go of the relationship if there were good times, but easier to cut ties if it’s been a long, torturous road.
- Who else in the family does it effect? Sometimes breaking ties with one person means you could have the entire family upset with you. It’s important to manage other family relationships and evaluate the effects on others as well. Is this person so awful that it’s worth upsetting the family on the whole? Will it effect others? Will other family members support your decision?
- What’s your role? We take on a label or role from an early age in the family unit. Sometimes we transfer that role into our lives beyond the family and we’re stuck. A role in the family could be “the baby”, one who is enabled even into adulthood or “the fixer”, one who lends money and keeps the peace at all costs.It takes immense effort to change your role in the family, and sometimes if your role is without respect and includes extra helpings of psychological abuse, the family needs you as a scapegoat and escaping that role may be next to impossible.
- How do they feel about you? Ideally, family should be based on unconditional love within reason. If you’re not feeling the love, then what are you feeling? Something helpful when gauging your relationships is; whateveryou feel like around the person, is probably how they feel about you. If you feel awful around someone, then they usually feel that way about you. Picking up on subtle cues may help you realize the truth of that relationship. In other words, the feeling may be mutual, they just may show it in passive aggressive ways.
- Are there any boundaries? One thing many families have in common is a lack of boundaries- they say what they want, do what they want and respect is nowhere in sight. Somehow people equate no (or lack of) boundaries with unconditional love. It is agreed among specialists that having boundaries creates a sense of love within children, and childhood is where some of the mayhem started between family members. If you’re still in the indecisive phase, setting boundaries now can help you decide whether this person respects you. How much are you willing to endure? Usually the problem family member is the one who completely disregards boundaries.
- How close are you? In distance and relationship; In distance, we can put up with more, and still get back to our normal lives after the drama- maybe put up with them two holidays a year. If the strained relationship is with a close family member then they usually mean more to us and therefore, hurting us in some way takes a bigger toll. In this case, the hurt and pain is not worth keeping the relationship. It is more difficult, of course, to break close family ties, but those can be the ones that damage us the most.
- Possible resolution? Ideally, major issues between family members should be discussed and resolved, but I bet you’ve been there, done that. Finality is something you have the power to decide. As children, we learn powerlessness against family members because we’re too young to have a say. Sometimes a decision can be semi-final, as in the ties are cut right now, but may be later mended. Cutting ties isn’t always an open and close case.
- Tolerance level-how is the stress from this family member effecting your job, personal life, your current family? Many people get confused and think their parents or family they were born into is more important than the new family of their own. This is wrong. Your wife and/or husband now take precedence over your mom and/or dad. Your current family is the priority. If old family members are harming your current family- your kids and spouse- then you are responsible for their well-being and action must be taken.
It’s Ok to Say Goodbye When:
- The relationship is physically or mentally abusive. Don’t downplay the effects of mental abuse, especially long-term.
- It causes enough stress that it effects important aspects/areas of your life, like work or home life. You find yourself spending a lot of time thinking about the sour relationship and losing sleep over it.
- The relationship is one-sided when there is no valid reason why there can’t be effort from the other person.
- The relationship is only about borrowing money.
- The family member is taking you down with them. Don’t get involved in risky business and legal trouble, even if they are family.
- The person is using gossip, manipulation, etc to control you and/or other family members against you.
- The only contact with them is negative. They only call to bring you down and put you down too.
- There are negative consequences every time this family member doesn’t get what they want from you.
- They play childish games; silent treatment- there is no talking to them, their way or no way, and spreading rumors about you.
Time to Cut? Picking up the Scissors.
- Less contact through calls, visits, emails. This is especially important when the stress within the relationship is emotional. Breaking the mental abuse pattern helps to shed light on how the person effects you and you can make a clear minded decision.
- Set a few boundaries. Sometimes it’s not necessary to cut ties, just adjust them. Even giving a few ultimatums is OK.
- Keep a neutral position. If certain subjects are always an argument, avoid them and keep the conversation neutral.
- Only have contact when something major happens- sending an email to let the family member know you are pregnant, someone died, you got a great new job, you’re moving to another state.
- Knowing it’s difficult. Death is final, but cutting ties is like death without the closure. You will probably feel the worst when the first birthday or holiday rolls around, but you can prepare by just expecting certain difficulties.
- Having a good support system like good friends or other family members makes cutting ties easier. Concentrate on what you do have.
- When applicable, talk to other family members about your situation, and let them know this person in particular and yourself will not be having as much contact, if any. Briefly explain and don’t back down.
Via Hubpages.
